Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Randomize
