i already hear my dad disowning me
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
You left your phone here
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