I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
