We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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