I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
