Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
