Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
