So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
