I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
