You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
