Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
