I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
