wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
