I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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