it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
