I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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