You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
This house was built for laser tag.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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