you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
