then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
