I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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