do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
