Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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