I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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