how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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