dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Sext me about skeletons
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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