You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
