And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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