i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize