i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
He? As in you personified your dick?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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