That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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