it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
as a side note pls kill me
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
