I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
