Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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