Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
