Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Someone signed my nipple.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
