Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
