I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
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