she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
