It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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