im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
