I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
