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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
