Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
