I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
