There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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