I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
My ATM looks so different sober.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
