Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
