he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
