I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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