don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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