Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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