get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
