Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
