His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
