Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
