We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
