True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
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