She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize