I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
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