I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
