can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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