3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
