Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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