Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
