just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got inside last night via doggy door
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
