I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
