I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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