I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize