turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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