ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
