my phone needs a breathalizer
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
