im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize