from now on my penis is your penis
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
