apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
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