I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Someone came in the potted fern
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
