Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
