I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
